The journey has been long and littered with obstacles, with heartache and wounds so deep the scars can be seen from across the sea if you look into my eyes. I learned to run hard and fast. I learned to put up my fists and RAGE against the injustice of existence. Peace remained a destination. I reached my mind across cultures and dogmas trying desperately to grasp it if only for a second, but peace moved faster away, as though it was repelled by my need for it. I looked for it in lovers more broken than me, in the all-mighty dollar and in the great and wonderful freedom of life-mutiny. And then I broke; that one last and final act of rebellion against this life that has never felt like my home.
I felt the weight of my body lifted. I heard the voice of true self say, “Thank you” with a tone of joy I never heard out of me among the living. I was shown two paths. “Return the child you carry to the path of her life and life will flourish.” The road was bright and vibrant, full of life and color. “Remain here (in the light,) and life will miss her.” It was dark and desolate. There was an overwhelming stench of death and sulfur. In a split second I understood. I returned, knowing that the penalty for my crime against my life would be a life even more difficult and painful than it had been. It has been. But the life I returned here is a miraculous being. I see her conquering mountains that all the great beings before her would hesitate to climb. But, my life…full of sadness and solitude. I thought that when I broke the last time, bereft of the will to live, that it was my rock bottom. It was not. It was the breaking of my ego.
I let go of the belief that I could somehow change my life. I realized I could only change the circumstances of it and the mindset that kept me fighting against the current of it. I let go. I let go.
I am floating through a divine river of change and awakening. I feel your light joining mine in this powerful current. I see the dead bodies around us who have built impenetrable walls around their life current and are stuck inside the hurricane of their own creation. Oh you suffering inside your hell, I will try. But I will only pull you along for a moment. When we begin to sink, I will mournfully let go of your hand. And so, I will push aside the corpses and continue along as the Children of the Light and Rainbow Warriors assemble. I know where this river ends and I am filled with joy at the thought of returning.
Please do not mistake this burble of my own experience of my awakening to my own life, as somehow a greater wisdom than you possess. And please do not expect me to behave as a sage or a gentle being removed of the darkness. If anything, my awakening has made me a better warrior. This life in the sun IS a life of FIRE. That great fire-ball in the sky is what keeps our bodies alive here. Perhaps letting go and accepting my life as it comes is acquiescence into fire as much as light. I will drink, smoke, fight when called to protect, cuss like a sailor and inevitably disappoint you with my human-ness. But the one immovable characteristic I give you freely, unconditionally and blindly is LOVE. If you put your finger in my wounds I will bite it and call you a son of a bitch. But when I push my demon down, I will bring you a shot of Tullamore Dew, (or TEA,) and apologize for my human-ness. I will hold you deep against me. I will love you. I will always love you.